Blog

I have always disliked the “in-betweens” and the “not-quite-theres”—the periods of uncertainty when things aren’t quite figured out or finalized. I don’t mind transitions and change when I know what’s coming next, but the seasons where I feel stuck or ambiguous are really difficult for me. I tend not to talk about them, or even really acknowledge them.

I don’t usually post pictures of the in-between moments—you know, the ones where the dance pose isn’t quite right, or I was captured mid-bite. I know that’s typical in a social media world with expectations of apparent perfection, but it feels misleading at best, and dishonest at worst. It’s like we try to only ever allow our best selves and best moments to be public information.

I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I’ve been a performer my whole life, and most people never see the in-betweens of getting ready for the final product. In fact, we were trained to do our best to hide all the hard work that goes into making a production perfect. We want the audience to simply see the magic of the end result, not the sweat, tears, and long hours that are the “not-quite-theres.”

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the in-betweens lately. It’s especially tough when you’re forced into a season of in-between that is not of your choosing. The desire to try to mask how I feel about it is ever present. I’d rather continue to tell people “I’m okay,” when in fact there have been many days when I haven’t been okay.

But it’s the final product that people want to see, right? Not the in-betweens of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear, surely. Yet what is it that holds us back from being real? Is it pride, or conversely, shame? Is it not knowing how people will react to us? For me, I’ve come to realize that I hold back from sharing the in-betweens because I don’t want to burden anyone else. I feel these seasons are mine to bear, and since we all are dealing with our own worries daily, I don’t want to use up anyone else’s emotional space.

What’s been so heartening to me is rediscovering that people really do care. Not only can they relate to my in-betweens, but they want to. They get it, because they’re either in that season themselves, or they certainly have been before. My support system is great. It’s comprised of people who are so supportive and will do whatever they can to help—whether that’s prayer, or taking something off my plate, or lending a listening ear. When we have the courage to be real about our challenges, even to ask for help when it’s needed, we empower others to share in our life journeys.

I’ve been learning that it’s okay to be in these seasons, and it’s okay to embrace them. There is beauty in uncertainty, change, and new beginnings. There is redemption in difficult circumstances. There is hope for better things to come. There is always hope.

Although I have a long way to go in feeling comfortable sharing more of my in-betweens, I’m starting today with this picture I haven’t posted before, because it’s one of those “not-quite-there” photos. I like it because even though it’s clearly pre-pose and awkward, I’m smiling, which reassures me that there is joy and peace to be found even in the in-betweens. So, here I am, in a season of in-between and not-quite-there, but I’m choosing to be grateful, rely on my incredible support system, trust that there is always a plan, and share the ups and downs of daily life with my amazing husband.

Onward and upward, my friends.